Why We Go Off Sex


One of the great burdens which our Romantic
culture has imposed upon long-term relationships is the idea that love and sexual fulfillment
must always, if things are working as they should, fit neatly together. This beautiful
and hugely convenient idea raises a passionate hope that over many years two people will
not only like and help one another, manage their domestic finances reasonably well, perhaps
raise a family, have enjoyable holidays, understand one another’s problems, schedule cleaning
rotas, put up with each other’s failings, see each others’ parents and friends and
pursue their careers in harmony, but they will also be devoted and exciting sexual partners,
endlessly entwining and recombining, sometimes being gentle and slow, at others, brutal and
urgent, travelling together on a shared, life-long erotic adventure. It’s this sublime idea
that begins to torment us when – as is the case in almost every relationship – sex
starts with time to get at once less intense and less frequent, more cautious and more
frustrating, more at odds with daily life and eventually definitively more daunting
as a prospect than reading a book, watching the news together or simply going to sleep.
This can appear nothing short of a catastrophe, a sign of monstrous failing and very often
a prelude to a break-up. And yet the problem is not ours alone. It is simply that almost
everything that can make love go well seems primed not to make sex go well – and vice
versa. We are afflicted by a fundamental misalignment in the qualities of character and spirit required
by good sex on the one hand and successful love on the other. A relationship cannot survive
in the long term without tenderness, soberness, practical intelligence and selective resignation.
We have carefully to fathom another’s motives, explain our moods, overcome hurts and sulks
and assume a mantle of predictability. Sex on the other hand, in its most dramatic, thrilling
versions, demands that we be heedless, decadent, perhaps cruel or untenably submissive. It
can involve the crudest language and moments of sublime degradation. In having to suffer
from feelings of inadequacy around what happens in long-term love, we are the victims of major
cultural failure: the failure of our surrounding culture to continually stress a realistic
picture of an unavoidable tension between two crucial yet incompatible themes of existence.
In a wiser world, we would collectively admit that the very rare cases where love and sex
did run together were astonishing exceptions with no relevance whatsoever to most of our
lives. We would instead learn to pay admiring attention to those who had accepted with a
reasonable show of dignity and grace that the natural price of long-term togetherness
is a decline in the quality and frequency of sexual contact – and that this is, in
a great many cases, a price very much worth paying. Our Sex book explores how sex truely operates. and that far from thinking about sex too much, we haven’t begun to think about it nearly enough.

100 thoughts on “Why We Go Off Sex

  1. Do you find yourself going off sex? Let us know in the comments or we have a discussion going on right now our app available free here: https://goo.gl/2QmLey

  2. When you market to everyone, you appeal to no one.

    I don't want to think about gay couples when I'm considering my sexuality, just as they won't want to think about straight couples when considering theirs.

    Virtue signal all you like but this is distracting, unrelateable and offputting.

  3. This is a relatively low quality and unnecessarily bleak video in my opinion. People have sex less as they get older because their hormones reduce and they desire it less. Lots still have it regularly as they get older and they most definitely aren't the "lucky few"; they are simply the ones who still desire it often. Yes, sometimes there is a disparity between a couple's sexual urges as they age, but in a truly loving relationship compromises are made for things such as this.

    You are (perhaps unintentionally) sending the message to young people that they will settle down and their sex life will slow to a near stop, which is a scary prospect. A relationship is defined by the two people in it, and as such every case is unique. I don't think we ever "go off sex" with our partners if there is still true love in the relationship. Rather, our relationship with them evolves as our own mindsets and hormones evolve with age.

  4. the biggest crux of the problem is when your partner feels rejected because you don't feel aroused (pick a reason…stress, illness, bad timing etc) so they attack you and accuse you of rejecting them. this in return makes you feel even more turned off and even a little bit resentful because "why can't they SEE what I already have to deal with! I have so many responsibilities that I can't even think about, let alone enjoy sex!"…….. and the rebuttal to that is "Well maybe you should just do it anyway! it would make ME happy. What about ME!? I still want sex! Why is it about you all the time?"
    And round and round we go…….

  5. There are a lot of conflicting opinions here but the truth is if you find somebody who has a similar drive and feelings about sex then it's no big deal. And often the frustrations are reflecting our own state of mind or ability to accept.

  6. I would dare to say that love without sex is friendship. Most surely sex drive will diminish with time, not only towards your partner, however if your needs are not met in your relationship what is someone supposed to do? Give it up altogether? Date other people? Break up and start anew over and over until you're too old for that?

  7. This channel should just be called 'The School of Sex'. Its posturing as somehow to appear as wide high brow philosophical musings on art, life and sex is transparent and really just the middle brow thinkers quickest way to obsess, expand and expound on the author's own sexual fetishes. I think he get's off on the idea of just discussing sex practices and not just practicing itself – which would explain why he has invested so much time in developing this weird mono focused channel.

  8. If you would have added "for women or people who feel like women" in the title it would have been perfect. But I have to say that was the most gendered philosophical world view I have heard in a long time. I feel like I just got done reading some "10 Ways" article from Glamour Magazine. Way to class it down…

  9. For any woman who is considering getting on hormonal birth control, do NOT do it. You may think you're taking a step in the right direction as far as making your sex life better with your partner, but the hormonal imbalance slaughters any semblance of a healthy libido and amplifies depression and anxiety a thousand-fold. I was recently in a long-term relationship for 16 months. During the last 11 of those months, I was on the birth control implant, Nexplanon. The person my partner started dating was not the same person during those 11 months I suffered the oft-unspoken side effects, and it ultimately ended our once-healthy relationship. The self-growth and progression I was making personally during those first five months halted to a stop. I hardly had the motivation to survive, let alone contribute to a romantic partnership. My appointment to get that horrific little device removed was scheduled for the very day after he and I broke up.

    If you're on any kind of hormonal birth control, you can forget about a healthy sex life. You can forget about a healthy life in general.

  10. I hate to say this, but I find it very difficult to have sex with a woman whom I'm in love with. It's easier to be casual, while love unfortunately does not enhance my desire for her.

  11. to me sex is very important to me in A relationship I told that to my boyfriend we barely get to see each other AS it is since I work two jobs and he works from 9 to 10 and when he gets home he’s exhausted and we don’t text much his job needs all his attention so when we finally get to see each other I WANNA undress him make love to him but he wants to go on dates watch Anime or play video games together WHICH I DON’T mind because that’s basically what we love About each other our love of Anime and video games but it’s like damn boy gimme that dick

  12. ohh my God….theres no such thing … if ur thinking like this means u didn't really love ur partner from the start and u thought what u would do about it before and then u will say that is falling off love or sex….well in fact ur waiting for some time and say that its happening to u…just another reason for changing and flirting to the next one

  13. in the beginning of all relationships the sex is intense and passionate because two people are new to one another but often times as time passes true characters emerge and often times they are not the passionate person that first engaged you, so then you are stuck in a sexual rut because the two people are constantly trying to reignite that initial spark but it's not there, sadly if two people are not capable of reinventing themselves sexuality the relationship will eventually end.

  14. the lady doing the voice over has a really annoying voice. to the point I don't even understand what she is saying.

    probably an sjw.

  15. i disagree. i want one partner for life. i think intimacy makes sex worth having- otherwise Im not at all interested. for me, i dont see how sex could become less exciting when what makes sex exciting is a long term relationship. that is the goal for me so that i CAN have good sex.

  16. Why all the gay shit? So much emphasis, yet there are so much more heterosexual than gay couples out there.

  17. As hard as it has been for me (and still is), I have ultimately accepted this conclusion. We celebrated our 4 years together 2 days ago, and yet, sex is very sparse, months in between. Compared to the beginning, where we would not leave the bed for days, this is far from my ideal. I do have to release my sexual tension daily, but I do find that our relationship has been stronger than ever. I love her with all my heart, and I do feel her love. This aspect of our relationship is the most frustrating one, and it did ate my mind in the last year or two. But since a few months, having came to the realization that assuming sex is not to be expected really released a lot of pressure on our shoulders. And inversely, when I was basing many of my actions on the hope that sex would be the outcome, our relationship nearly came to an end. She's a wonderful person, and yes, I love her inside and out. Sex is a big price to pay, but the occasional pangs of desire are a small price to pay compared to the love that permeates everything else.

  18. Sex is graphically discussed and depicted in this video, but because the correct, non-triggering (although completely unrealistic) ratio of homosexual love to heterosexual love was used, YouTube doesn’t disable ads OR make it age restricted? Or what is going on here….

  19. School of Life is a hack, money making-scheme from De Bottom and company. Hardly anything "profound" comes from their videos and re hashed philosophies touted as being life-changing. Their insistence on sex and pornography smacks of something more subversive to the psyche than tuning it towards higher consciousness.

  20. I was waiting for long to watch this topic as presented by the school of life. I had even performed a search for the same coz I knew I was in the right direction. Finally got the suggestion today. Thanks from India.

  21. Men and Women, Men and Men, Women and Women are NOT meant to live together 24/7.  It is better to live in separate zones.  That way, you can keep the frissant active and exciting.  That way, each person within the relationship must upkeep their own personal lives to keep that certain level of unknown of the other partner that we all feel is palpable in the early stages.  To live in separate spaces is not a bad thing.  It adds to the yearning and excitement of couples so that when these couples DO see each other, they truly desire and want their opposites. If you can live your lives and hold down a relationship in this manner then I truly believe that you will have a better life.

  22. the reason is clear why people stop having sex after a time, they are not vulnerable they don't know each other they are just there based on lust. Lust fades away as people discover their flaws and get comfortable with each other. If you want to have sex after that phase you have to be close emotionally, then you will not feel awkward or sad if you don't have sex for a week, you will not feel anxious when asking or you will not refuse it when asked. #vulnerability

  23. we get old. things don't work like they used to. ultimately the older you get the more disinterested you become in the repetition of things. everything, even eating becomes a boring routine without enjoyment. all of this is perfectly normal. just like you crave and want when young, you are at peace and do not seek when you are old. then you die, just like you lived. consumerism has become so ingrained in our thinking that it devalues this basic premise. enjoy each stage of life. all stages of life are valuable. sex, food, drink are things that do not define us. love defines us.

  24. Well, as a 41 year-old virgin, my greatest wish in life is to NOT have an interest in sex and love at all.
    I'm sorry, but getting less of something will never be worse than getting fuck-all, all your life…

  25. Meh that’s why I stay single and just use my sex toys. Never be disappointed and they can’t cheat on you or tell you things to try and break you down

  26. I think you need to clarify that this is one variation in how relationships can happen. The way The School approaches the subject of romantic/sexual love is very one-dimensional.

  27. To be honest, sometimes people treat sex as if they will die if they don't have it every single fucking second.

  28. Because your husband's dick stops working, and no matter what prescription it never works again. Then the wife is expected to go the rest of her life without sex with another human being.

  29. Did you rly have to involve gay couples in drawing? I mean, they are 1-4% of the population, but yet in 66% of the video… No need to go SJW… be legit.

  30. I find that romantic and/or sexual relationships, in general, simply have a limited amount of time before they deteriorate. Unless all parties can keep variables of their relationship consistently interesting and worth reexamination, those involved will grow bored or complacentーsuch is human nature. That is why it is evident that long-term relationships are not for most people. It is easy to be tempted into believing that a relationship will and should last forever. The reality is that, if dishonest and forced, a relationship will eventually degrade and become toxic, typically resulting in crippling heartbreak, spite, and loss of respect and dignity in all persons involved.
    It's much healthier to be honest with one another going into a relationship, (as well as during the relationship) in that the love or desire between everyone will be lost at some point, and the fact that that is perfectly acceptable. So long as all parties can be satisfied with their relationship while it lasts, there is no need to unnecessarily prolong one that no parties are any longer satisfied with. Additionally, I don't mean to say that relationships aren't worth attempting to salvage, because that would be defeatist of me. I simply wish to instill a degree of realism and self-honesty in those who read this comment.

  31. The tribe is what is most important; think about this: Without our ancestors and ancient ancestors we wouldn't be here, why? It is simple; they were successful at breeding. In this day of age with our Western Civilization or Siphilization so to speak and so many comforts, luxuries and past times we are the least successful in breeding then we ever were at least the white European man is.

    The tribe had the need to survive, men and women were bound by their traditions, customs and roles accordingly. Christianity, and Cultural Marxism has all but destroyed this. I am speaking mainly for normal procreative people, not homosexuals who tend to have many partners through life.

  32. We've been over-sexualized by decades of media, tv, magazines, porn – giving us all unrealistic expectations of marriage and sex. Marriage is a partnership, to raise children and take care of each other. It's not about everlasting orgasms, and never was. It has been warped.

  33. yea society is batshit insane and evil and its because aint no love…aint no trust. aint no commitment.

  34. i enjoyed this video, but reading through the comments… i hate the kind of people in this area of the internet. soooo much hate and intolerance. BYE

  35. But what about the effect it has on the sex drive? The less sex we have the more we think about it and want it. So what happens in a long term relationship where the sex has died out but the sex drive has increased as a result? We still want sex, just not with our long term partner anymore… So what's the solution, porn and masturbation can get addictive and doesn't really fill the void anyway, and sex with another person would be cheating and could lead to an affair… Should I just cut my balls off so I don't have to worry about any of it anymore…?

  36. There are a lot of people saying "my partner and I are happy without sex!" and "its just sex, its not important and you can love without it" as if sex is just some sticky-note on a novel. To a lot of people physical love is one of the main ways they prefer to show and receive affection and intimacy from their partner. You are trivializing sex and making a sign of love seem like something only a juvenile pervert would find important when you couldn't be more wrong. Making sex seem that shallow is damaging and insulting to a huge segment of humanity. It would be exactly the same as saying "I don't need to give my partner gifts" or "I don't need to empathize with my partners problems" or "I don't need to spend quality time with my partner". It is precisely as important to a great many of us and to say that a sexless relationship doesn't mean there's a problem is massively simplifying a complex issue.

    If you're asexual (it seems EVERYONE is in the comments) imagine it this way: Your partner slowly loses interest in spending quality time with you and your mutual interests start to change and they begin cutting off conversations when you want to have one. They've stopped listening to your problems and don't have any interest in supporting you in your career and they tell you its not important to them anymore. However you show and give love just isn't what they're interested in now and you need to deal with it and stop being shallow. Just because something is physical doesn't make it shallow and unimportant. Sex is one of the most bonding and mentally satisfying things many of us NEED to feel and show love.

  37. Love and sexual fulfillment CAN go together, but only if the participants engage in a sufficient method of combining them in a long-term relationship. We don't have such a method, we dont believe in methods when it comes to love and sex. Too bad, cause there are methods that have proven their value for thousands and thousands of years: Tantra, Yoga, you name it, it goes deeper than just relationship bs, it's a life enhancing, transforming, purifying effort that everybody has to do on their own behalf, out of their own lust for life.. And it requires dedication, discipline, honesty, compassion, humility… yeah too bad 😀

  38. In my life, the women I meet don’t understand how to please so sex sucks on the get go and I need to teach them if they’re willing which they never are. Sex is boring.

  39. so i guess this video is saying, not to have a long term relationship if u want to have a lot of sex….

  40. There are many couples out there who would disagree with this notion that it is an inevitable price to pay. Certainly, the sparking, fiery sex of the honeymoon phase can never last, but a deep, profound and more constant kind of love can persist in the later years of a relationship. The effort we put into our day-to-day romance needn't be exhausting or the unwieldy demands of a 'romantic society'. It can be the much more genuine and wholehearted expression of endearment to our spouse. Expressions of gratitude and love that we give instinctually in the courting phase but perhaps forget later on as the years go by. Remembering this simple habit of expressing your devotion and love throughout your daily lives is a fantastic way to prepare the bedrock for more frequent sexual activity. It feels more natural because the affection before the sheets is still there.

  41. Because there's more to life like self improvement and celibacy has lead me down a road that's way more exciting. I'm a sensual being and I use the analogy that a woman is a piece of silk and a man is a scouring pad

  42. Sean Hughes at one of his stand-up gigs: " I feel sex with the same person tends to get boring, after you know, round about the second time". Brilliant. Wouldn't quite go that far but I've never been able to sustain interest beyond 3 months. Once you've done it all, and you've seen the same body over and over again, inevitably desire will then go stale pretty quickly.

  43. Clueless! Bet the authors never read the Song of Solomon in the poetry books of the Old Testament. There isn’t a website Christian Nymphos for nothing. God designed us for pleasure and He’s a good coach. You’d be surprised who’s ripping off some big O’s. Atheists and agnostics repent.

  44. I used to want all of these. Now, all I need is someone to share mundane time with and blow a hot load every once in a while and then peace.

  45. I’ve been married ten years. Sex comes and goes, but the moments that mean the most, are the moments of emotional vulnerability, and deep empathy.

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